For as long as I can remember, I have been reminded to not say, “Good job!” to children. It is not a meaningful comment in many cases, and children know this. Not only that, it teaches children to rely on others to measure their success! As we try to raise confident children, we can help them boost their self-confidence without giving them false confidence.
Praise feels good for everyone, and we all enjoy compliments. I am in no way advocating that we stop praising our children! Children who never hear praise will likely have lower self confidence and self esteem. Instead, experts recommend framing most praise as something that can be self-reflective for the child.
What to say instead
If you’re not sure what to say, try saying something you noticed. It might be a color or shape they drew, how fast they were running, or how focused they were.
You can ask questions. Inquire how THEY feel about what they have done, what they think about the information they have given you, or what they think the next step is. When you ask questions, your child gets two messages. First, they see you are interested in them. Second, it makes them think about what their own thoughts on the matter.
One question to avoid though is, “What is it?” No matter what your child has made, he or she likely knows exactly what it is and may feel it is obvious to everyone else. This can be true even if it is a scribble on paper. Instead, ask you child to tell you more about what they made or notice something about it. “Oh, wow, it must have been a lot of work to get those blocks to balance like that! Can you tell me more about all of this?”
Showing appreciation for you child is also beneficial. If they gave you a picture or craft, say thank you and tell them how much it means to you that they thought of you. When you see how they helped their sibling or friend, let them know how kind it was do help out. I will sometimes also ask something like, “Did it feel good to help your sister?”
And when you feel you can’t…
When you feel you are unable to devote your attention to your child to give a meaningful comment, let them know! Sometimes I set a timer and tell me daughter I would love to give her my FULL attention, but I need 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, she knows I will check in on her. When your children show you something excitedly and you just say, “Yes, that’s nice honey,” they will feel put off. They won’t see how you are busy re-reading a recipe while the pot is nearly boiling over and the oven timer is going off and the phone is ringing.
Young children don’t yet understand the passage of time. But they appreciate being told how you do want to hear from them, but you cannot give them the time. When the time comes, you will get down on their level and give them your full, undivided attention.
Some things to say…
- I cannot look right now. I will set a timer for 5 minutes and I can give you my full attention then.
- You seem really excited, let me put this away and then I will come see.
- I am busy with this right now. You may wait with your hand on my hip while I finish up, so I know you need me.
- Would you like to quickly tell me now or would you like to wait a few minutes when I can focus just on you?
I guarantee your child will appreciate being given the one-on-one attention. Not only that, it can help teach your child that we need to be respectful of others’ work. These can go both ways, also. If I see my child is engrossed in play, I will sit and watch or put my hand on her shoulder until I see she is ready to give me her attention. She feels her play is important (it is!) and she feel respected. Additionally, I will have her full attention when I tell her what I need to tell her.
How do you incorporate alternative phrases and questioning in to your interactions with your children? Is it hard to not say, “Good Job?”
