It’s hard for me to choose a favorite quote from Maria Montessori, though this is certainly up there. I have seen a lot of posts lately on the topic of respecting children – and not everyone agrees with it.
I see the point they make and understand the feelings behind it. Some adults try to show children respect without demanding it from children.
When Maria Montessori wrote about respecting children, she meant we should be showing kindness, allowing them to make developmentally appropriate choices, and help them to be independent. We must also respect ourselves. But getting that balance right can be tricky.
So please, do give your child choices. Allow independence. Allow your child to feel heard and take his opinions into consideration. Work with your child to solve problems and make sure tasks get done. Love your child as best you can. Be kind. Be gentle.
But don’t forget to respect yourself, too. Set your limits and be firm. Don’t accept unacceptable behavior or language. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Most importantly, remember that none of us are perfect and we’re all trying the best we can.
A Balancing Act
For many parents, it’s difficult to find the right balance of kind and firm, when to give choices and when not to, which battles to pick and when to let things go. Sometimes we feel the respect we’re showing our children is too lenient, whether because we really are being lenient or because we’re just used to a more authoritarian parenting style.
However you are feeling about parenting, it’s important to look at what matters to YOU. Then work backwards and think about what that would look like when you interact with your child.
For example, it’s important to me that my children ask for things. I don’t care if they say please, they may not demand things of me. “I want milk, please,” feels a lot different than, “May I have some milk, please?” Since this is a way that I feel more respected, I let them know I will help them when they ask me kindly.
And when my daughter has decided she does not want to clean up her LEGO blocks, I ask why. Maybe she feels like there are too many and she wants some help. Maybe she worked really hard on her creation and doesn’t want it ruined. We can work it out. She is still going to be responsible for her toys, but maybe I can help her in some way. Or maybe we find a safe spot to save her creation and the rest of the blocks get put away. I’m can show respect for her and her perspective without taking away my role as a parent.
Does “respect for the child” come naturally to you? Does it feel hard? Where do you struggle and where do you succeed?
